|
An Iraqi
general calls a meeting of of Saddam's six body doubles.
He says, "I have good news and bad news."
The good news is, Saddam is alive. So none of you have to be
killed.
The body doubles all breathe a big sigh of relief.
"The bad news is, Saddam lost an arm and both legs."
President
Bush and Colin Powell are holding a press conference to announce
the launch of WWIII.
A reporter asks: "What are you planning to do?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Arabs and
one blonde with big boobs."
The reporter exclaims: "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a
blonde with big boobs?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches Powell on the shoulder and whispers,
"See, smart guy? I told you no one would worry about the 140
million Arabs!"
Two guys
are swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war
vet) mentions that during the war he was captured.
"I was held for weeks and given almost nothing to eat. I had
to learn to eat my own shit."
"I don't believe you!"
The vet reaches into his pants, shits in his hand and eats it.
Gagging, the other guy says: "My God! If you can do that so
easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!!"
"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."
So the next day the guy sets up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving
high rollers.
He puts a plate of shit in front of the vet. The vet looks down,
gags, and projectile pukes all over the two gamblers. In a rage
the gamblers kick the living crap out of both men, take their
winnings and leave.
"We lost it all!!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you
eat the shit??"
"There was a hair in it!"
This guy
is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the
nearest whore house and says to the man working there, "Look,
I`m really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I
get?"
"Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I`ll
cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I`ll let
you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black
condom, and leave the lights out!"
"A while later he comes back out and says "Well, the sex was
pretty good but why did I have to wear the black condom?"
"You gotta show some respect for the dead!"
A zoo acquires
a female gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla becomes very
ornery, and difficult to handle. The vet determines she is in
heat, but there is no male gorilla available.
The zoo administrators approach Mike, who cleans animal cages.
Mike, while not very bright, is rumored to be extremely well
endowed. They ask: "would you be willing to screw this gorilla
for five hundred bucks?"
"Well, let me think it over and I'll let you know tomorrow."
The next day, Mike says: "I'll do it, but only under three conditions.
First, I don't want to have to kiss her. Second, I want nothing
to do with any offspring that may result. Third, I need another
week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
|
Tiny Tobi
She's young and she's little but she likes it rough and extreme. Cock cramming, hair pulling, spanking, choking, fishhooking and all around extreme rough fucking.
Cutie Abuse |
A Captain
in the foreign legion is transferred to a desert outpost. On
his orientation tour he notices a camel tied out back of the
enlisted men's barracks.
He asks the Sergeant "what's that camel for?"
"Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural
sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The Captain say, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess
it's all right with me."
Six months pass, and the Captain can't stand it anymore and
tells his Sergeant "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The camel is brought in. The Captain gets a foot stool and proceeds
to have vigorous sex with the camel.
He steps down from the stool and and asks the Sergeant, "Is
that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sergeant replies, "Well sir, they usually just ride it into
town."
A man wakes
up early one morning and decides to go duck hunting.
He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go duck
hunting with me, I'll do ya anally or you can give me a blowjob.
I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your
mind before I get back."
The man returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's
it gonna be?"
The wife says: "There's no way I'm going duck hunting and you're
not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob."
She gets started and then pulls back with choking and gagging:
"Jesus, you taste like shit."
"Yeah," he replies, "the dog didn't want to go duck huntin'
either."
A man is
charged with bestiality. He knows he's in deep trouble, so he
calls his good friend, O.J. Simpson.
"O.J.," he says, "you got away with murder. I need a great lawyer,
but I can't afford your whole Dream Team. Which one do you recommend?"
"Well," says O.J., "Johnnie Cochran was brilliant in court.
But the real reason I got off was that great jury. And it was
Bob Shapiro who picked the jury."
So the accused decides to go with Shapiro.
The jury is selected and the prosecutor opens his case.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the accused's next-door-neighbour
will testify that the accused went into his back yard, dropped
his trousers, and had sexual relations with his dog. He then
withdrew and the dog turned around and licked the accused's
genitals."
At this point juror number 1 turns to no. 2 and says, "A good
dog'll do that."
Two drunks
are sitting in a bar when one smells something foul. He turns
to the other. "Hey man," he says, "did you shit yourself?"
"Yeah," says the second drunk.
"Well, why don't you go clean yourself up?"
"I ain't through yet.
A
pretty woman goes up to the bar and gestures alluringly to
the bartender who comes over immediately.
She seductively signals that he should bring his face close
to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his
beard.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"No."
"Can you get him for me?" she asks, running her hands up beyond
his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly aroused,
"is there anything I can do?"
"Please give him a message for me," she continues huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"What message?" croaks the bartender.
"Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies' room."
This guy
was invited to a bachelor party but his wife didn't want him
to go.
"Last time you went to a bachelor party you got totally blind
drunk and vomited all over yourself, ruining a new suit", she
said.
"I promise I'll behave myself," he said, and begged and begged
until finally she gave in.
So he goes along to the party and pretty soon he forgets about
his promise and begins drinking Long Island iced teas. Before
long, he's really fealing it.
He tells a friend: "Shit my wife will kill me if I vomit on
myself" he tells a friend.
"No problem," says his friend. "What you do is put $20 in the
back of your wallet. If you throw up on yourself give the wife
the $20 when you get home and tell her that someone else vomited
all over you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning".
So the guy thinks this is a great idea and starts really hitting
it heavy. By 2:00 AM he is shitfaced. He has barfed all over
himself as his wife expected he would. So he heads home and
his wife greets him at the door.
"Goddamn it, you did it again!" she screams.
"No, no you've got it all wrong! Another guy was so drunk he
threw up all over me, but he gave me $20 to pay for the dry
cleaning," he says as he hands over the money to his wife.
"If he gave you $20 how come your giving me $40?"
"The other $20 is from the guy who shat in my pants!"
One dismal,
rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolls to a stop at the curb, a figure leaps
into the cab and slams the door.
Checking his rearview mirror as he pulls away, he is startled
to see a wet, naked
woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammers, taking a long glance into the rearview
mirror.
"Union Station," answers the woman.
"Well ma'am, I notice that you're completely naked, and without
a purse. How
do you plan to pay your fare?"
The woman spreads her legs, puts her feet up on the front seat,
smiles
at the driver and says, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Taking another look in the mirror, the cabbie asks,
"Got anything smaller?"
Man goes
to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a
look".
"Oh, my God!!" says the doctor, " what could have made a hole
as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant."
The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin, this
hole is enormous."
Patient replies "He fingered me first."
|
KAT -- MY FAVORITE PORN STAR Tiny 19-year-old with braces and a flat chest who does extreme stuff. See her bound, dominated, cock-gagged and ass-fucked in Sex and Submission. See her drilled up the ass by a huge auto-dildo in Fucking Machines. See her tightly tied and suspended in Hogtied. See her wrestle another woman nude in Ultimate Surrender. See her get her ass beat by two lesbians in Whipped Ass. See her pussy electrified as part of a lesbian gang bang in Wired Pussy. |
A
man walks into a bar and sits down and order 12 shots of whiskey.
Bartender says: "What's the big occasion?"
"My first blowjob," says the man.
The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating.
Hell, I'll buy you another shot. It's on me!"
The man says, "No thanks. If 12 shots don't get the taste
out of my mouth, nothing will."
Michael
Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new
baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
A guy walks
into a bar with his pet monkey, who immediately starts jumping
all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar
and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then
jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in
his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams: "Your monkey just ate my cue ball!"
"Yeah," says the guy, "he eats everything in sight. I'm sorry
-- I'll pay for it."
Two weeks later the guy comes back with his monkey and the monkey
immediately starts jumping around again. He grabs a maraschino
cherry on the bar, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it. Disgusted, the bartender says: "Look what your monkey
just did!"
The guy says, "Yeah, he still eats everything in sight, but
ever since that cue ball he measures it first."
A man was
approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few
beers after work.
The man says: "My wife will get mad if I go drinking with the
guys after work."
His coworker says: "No problem! When you get home tonight, sneak
into the house, slide down under the sheets,
gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex.
Blieve me, she'll never mention that you were out late with
the boys."
So the man stays out late, then later he sneaks into the hows,
slides down under the sheets and gets to work.
Soon moans and groans of pleasure fill the air.
"Wait," says the man, "I have to take a leak. I'll be right
back."
He gets to the bathroom and is shocked to see his wife sitting
on the toilet!
"How did you get in here?!"
"Shhhhh! Your mom's visiting, and you'll wake her up."
A woman
is on the witness stand testifying:
"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged
me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties,
and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember
what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make
something up!"
A man and
a woman are riding an elevator.
The man says: "Can I smell your vagina?"
"Fuck no!"
"Oh -- then it must be your feet."
|
EXTREME BUKKAKE
Unlimited downloads of videos by the infamous John Thompson. Really cute and young European girls take load after load to the face, swallow huge quantities of cum and swap sticky semen.
Euro-girls totally splooged |
A man goes
into a bar and orders a Coke. The bartender, who is used to
seeing this man order liquor, asks him what's up.
"I'm never drinking again!", the man says, "I got so drunk last
Friday night I blew chunks!" "
"Vomiting isn't nothing to quit drinking over," the bartender
replies.
"You don't understand -- Chunks is my dog!"
Liz Taylor
decides to have labia reduction surgery. She tells the doctor
that this operation must be in strict confidence, becase she
can't allow the tabloids to pick it up. The doctor assures her
there will be no problem.
Waking up in the recovery room, Liz sees three vases of flowers.
She calls the doctor:
"Who the hell sent me flowers? Who knows about this?" she yells.
"Don't worry," says the doctor. "The first vase is from the
surgical team. The second is from the nursing staff."
"What about the third?" Liz demands.
"Oh, that's from Mr. Jones in the burn unit. He just wanted
to say thanks for the new ears."
A woman comes home from the doctor and tearfully tells her husband:
"The doctor says I have terminal cancer!"
"Oh honey, that's terrible! Is there anything I can do for you?
"
"Well," says the wife, "I love getting oral sex, and I'd like
to pack in a lot more of it before I go."
So the husband immediately goes down on her and she loves it.
For the next month, he eats her pussy at least ten times a day.
At the end of the month, the woman goes back to the doctor.
The doctor says:
"This is unbelievable! There's no evidence of cancer! Have you
been doing something different, like a new diet or something?"
Embarrassed, the womans says: "Well, I have been doing something
different, but its very personal . . . ."
"Well whatever it is, it must have cured your cancer!"
She goes home and says: "Honey, I'm completely cured! The doctor
says oral sex cured my cancer!"
The husband starts to cry, obviously heartbroken.
Says wife: "Aren't you happy that I'm going to live?"
"Of course honey . . . but if I had just known that was the
cure, I could have cured Mom!
Boy
says to his father: "Dad, can I have twenty bucks for a blow
job?"
"I don't know. Are you any good?"
I
used to be a necrophiliac, but the rotten bitch split on me.
A guy picks
up a girl in a bar, brings her home,and they start getting it
on.
He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.
He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?" She says, "That wasn't a nipple,
that was a boil."
|
|
