You know how your Mommy used to kiss you good night?
Think about it . . . she might have just finished giving Daddy a blow job . . .

Yo' mama's so fat that after I fucked her I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.

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A girl goes to her doctor and as he's examining her, he says "those are terrible rug burns on your knees."
"Yeah, doc," she says, "it's from doing it doggy style."
"Don't you know any other sexual positions?"
"Sure, but my doggy don't."

A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."
Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you fucked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you fuck mine!"

Did you know that in 1980, there were two million battered women in the United States? And in 1995 there were almost three million battered women? And to think that all of this time I've been eating mine plain!

Two morticians are sitting around at the end of the day:
"Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?"
"Yeah, she was really something!"
"Did you see the clit on that girl?"
"Yeah, it was like a pickle!"
"Well, it wasn't that big . . ."
"No, but it was that sour!"

So this guy goes out looking for the skankiest, sleaziest whore he can find, because he wants a REALLY kinky experience. So he finds one and takes her up to a cheap motel room.
He gets down between her legs to go down on her and to his delight, there is a septic boil between her pussy and her asshole. He starts sucking the puss out of it.
After about 10 minutes she exclaims: "I have to piss."
"It's okay," he answers, "piss on me." So she does, and he drinks it, letting some dribble down his chin.
A little later she says "Sorry, but I have diarrhea -- I really have to go."
"It's okay," he answers, "do it on me." So she does, and he lets it go all over his mouth and face, and smears it all over himself, and swallows some of it.
So he's REALLY into it, licking the shit and piss and pus off her pussy and ass, when he glances up and notices she's picking her nose. He jumps up and shouts:
"What are you trying to DO, bitch?! Gross me out?!"

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This teenager shares a room with his kid brother -- he's got the upper bunk and the kid has the lower bunk. One night the teenager sneaks a girl into the bedroom and begins fucking her in the top bunk. She starts getting loud, so worried, he whispers: "Look, don't be going 'harder,' 'deeper,' my brother might hear and tell on us. If you want it harder say 'tomatoes,' and if you want it deeper say 'lettuce.'" So they're going at it hot and heavy and she's screaming "LETTUCE!" "TOMATOES!" "LETTUCE."

Next morning, the kid says to his brother "Hey, next time you make sandwiches in the bedroom, be more careful -- last night you dripped mayonnaise all over me!

"What the hell is THAT for?" he asks.

"Well", she says..."Me and my girlfriend have a running contest. Whoever has more at the end of the week...gets to drink both."

A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up. He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can't tell which is which. He finally narrows it down to two charts, and he decides to call her house. Mr. Smith answers the phone.

"Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease -- I don't know which.

"Well, what should I do?" asks a distraught Mr. Smith.

"Drop her off at the edge of town," says the doctor, "and if she finds her way back, DON'T FUCK HER!"

 

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Buckwheat and Darla are in school. The teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell "dumb"?
Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now, spell "stupid". Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says,"D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is getting dull.
One night they're lying in bed when the girl shyly says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."
He says, "Sure."
She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."
So he's pretty shocked, but he figures well, if it's what she wants he'll do it. He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.
She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."
So he lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had.
So the next time they're fucking, she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.
As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is.
One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't have any catastrophic accidents at the office.
That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly she starts sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" he asks.
"You're seeing someone else!"

A father was discussing the "birds and the bees" with his son. He asked his son if he had any questions.
"Dad, what do a woman's private parts look like?"
The father thought for a moment and said: "son, before sex it looks like the softest petal on the most beautiful pink rose."
"What about after sex?"
The father thought a little longer: "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?"

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There's this old married couple that's happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage is caused by the husband's habit of farting nearly every morning when he wakes up. He farts so strong that he shakes the rafters and wakes his wife up with a start. The stench makes her eyes water as she chokes and gasps for air.

Nearly every morning she pleads with him to stop ripping one in the morning.
"Please, honey, see a doctor!" she exclaims every time. "It's not normal!"
"Oh, there's nothing wrong with me."
"I'm telling you, one of these days you're going to fart your guts out!"
"That's ridiculous."

Over and over again they have this same argument and she warns him time and time again that he's going to "fart his guts out" and he ignores her.

Then, one Thanksgiving morning the wife gets up early and goes downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixes pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she's taking out the turkey's innards, she gets a mischevious idea. She sneaks back upstairs with the turkey guts and tucks them into her sleeping husband's underwear, then tiptoes out of the room.

A little bit later she hears her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This is soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband runs to the upstairs bathroom. The wife cracks up laughing.

About twenty minutes later, her husband comes downstairs in his blood stained underpants, his face white as a sheet. "Honey," he says, "you were right. All those years you warned me and I wouldn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got'em all back in!"

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?"

The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire."