|
A Jewish
girl comes home one day and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother
says, "That's great!"
The girl
says, "But Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother says, "Oy, that's not
so great."
The girl
says, "But Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your
wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of
luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months
later, the Jewish girl walks into the house and says, "Ma, I
love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw
me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the
ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's
like a silver dollar."
Her mother
says, "So for ninety cents, you're going to make trouble?"
I want to
die like my grandfather did, in his sleep.
Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.
In a hospital
serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
Bruce
comes home one day and says to his lover,
"Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my
ass. Could you check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass.
He feels all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing
up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's
ass.
He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your
ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday
to you..."
A young
Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading the
Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags him
out into the pasture.
In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass. His father points
to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!"
Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did
indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."
Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know
this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again."
A boy in
the sixth grade comes home after school one day.
His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with
your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as
punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says,
"Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration.
Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new
bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead?
My ass is killing me."
A guy was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and
he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be
spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
"But that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to
fish..."
"Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got pyorrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
"Why would you marry someone with all those health problems?"
"She's got worms; and you know how I love to fish..."
Phone call
between emergency room doctor and worried husband:
"Sir, I have bad news and good news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Your wife was in a serious car accident. Her face was peeled
off, she lost all use of both arms and
both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom
for the rest of her life."
"Oh my God. What's the good news?"
"I'm kidding. She's dead."
These two
starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them
sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the
meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why
don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for
days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
"Okay, suit yourself," he says, and eats everything but the
bones.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first
bum says,
"Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something
wrong with that cat."
Just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of half-digested rotten
cat flesh and guts and bile.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're
talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
A woman
walks into the doctor's office with a huge boil on her ass.
The doctor
squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus
core.
He says: "This is too big a job for me. I'm going to have to
send you to Gus the pus sucker. "
The woman
goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering
with pus and says "this is no problem," and he proceeds to press
his lips to her ass and suck out the pus and core of the boil.
Halfway
through, the woman farts. Gus stops what he's doing and angrily
says:
"You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking
disgusting."
|
SADOSLAVES
The Sado Master puts hot amateur slaves through torments including hot wax, needles, the "anal pincushion," pussy torture, electro torture, clothespins, heavy labia weights and much more.
Check out SADOSLAVES |
Two women were in the waiting room of an obstetrician and each
of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.
One stopped and takes a pill.
"What was that?" asks the other.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
She takes another pill.
"What was that?"
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
She takes another pill.
"What was that?"
"Thalidomide. I just can't get the arms right on this fucking
sweater!"
A girl and
a boy were at the back of the movie theater, kissing passionately.
When they
come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but
do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."
The girl
replies,"It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".
Two necrophiliacs
are walking down the street when they pass a funeral home. One
turns to the other and says:
"Hey, you
wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"
Little Suzie is sitting in a barber shop, eating a Hostess
snack cake while the barber cuts her hair.
A customer passes by and says, "Sweetheart, you're getting
hair on your Twinkie."
Little Suzie looks up with a big smile and said, "I know,
and I'm getting tits, too!"
A little
boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room
while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when
his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's
skirt.
"Get your
hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have
teeth down there?"
The little
boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars
he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy
grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's
16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are
out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After
an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says "you
know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do
you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why
don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her
crotch.
"Hell no,"
he cries, "you've got teeth down there."
"Don't be
ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth there."
"Yes there
are," he says, "my mom told me so."
"No there
aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I'm
sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have
teeth down there."
"Oh for
Christ's sake!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws
her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any
teeth down there."
The boy
takes a good long look, then replies: "Well, with the condition
of those gums I'm not surprised."
"Doctor,
doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics" says
the doctor.
Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me
just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.
Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"
"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact,
I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
A man enters
a coffee shop and sits down. The sign on the counter says the
special of the day is chili. When the waitress comes to take
his order, he says, "I'll take the chili."
"I'm sorry," says the waitress, the gentleman next to you got
the last bowl." says the waitress.
So the man just orders some coffee. But after a while, he notices
that the guy next to him is finishing his meal and the bowl
of chili is still full.
"Excuse me," he says to the man, "But are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When
he gets about half way through the bowl, he comes across a dead
mouse in the bowl. Immediately, he pukes the chili back into
the bowl.
The other man looks over sympathetically and says: "That's about
as far as I got, too."
Don't Worry, it's Just Chocolate
A husband,
wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop.
The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will
have a vanilla." He then slaps his son on the back of the head
and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"
The lady behind the counter, shocked, says: "Why did you call
him that?"
"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three
things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big truck.
See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine. Second,
he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses
in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy,
and I had that, too, until fat-head here came along."
Your mama's
so fat . . .
She pulled her panties down to her ankles and she still had
cunt in them!
|
KAT -- MY FAVORITE PORN STAR Tiny 19-year-old with braces and a flat chest who does extreme stuff. See her bound, dominated, cock-gagged and ass-fucked in Sex and Submission. See her drilled up the ass by a huge auto-dildo in Fucking Machines. See her tightly tied and suspended in Hogtied. See her wrestle another woman nude in Ultimate Surrender. See her get her ass beat by two lesbians in Whipped Ass. See her pussy electrified as part of a lesbian gang bang in Wired Pussy. |
A bartender
is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door.
When he answers, a tramp says: "can I have a toothpick?"
He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes
later there is a second knock.
When he answers, there is a second tramp who says: "can I have
a toothpick?"
He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is
a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The bartender
says,
"Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw,"
says the tramp.
The landlord
hands him a straw and says, "why do you want it?"
Says the
tramp: "Some guy just threw up outside but all the good stuff's
gone already."
THE
SICKEST JOKE I KNOW
(People have Thrown Up!)
In a saloon
in the old west, four tough, grizzled gunslinger types are playing
poker. "Tex" is having a bad run of luck, and is down to his
last few dollars. Then, his luck suddenly changes -- he's dealt
four of a kind! He can't lose! As the betting continues, though,
he runs out of money. So he says: "boys, I'm out of money, but
I'd like to stay in this hand. What do you say?" The toughest
man at the table, "Loco," says: "I'll tell you what. If you
win, you keep your winnings. If you lose, you have to take a
sip from the spittoon."
Tex looks
at the spittoon sitting in the corner of the saloon. Cowboys
have been spitting their tobacco juice into it for almost a
week, and it is brim-full with slime. He looks back at his hand
-- the hand of a lifetime. He gulps hard and says: "O.K."
The betting
continues until only Tex and Loco are left in the game. Tex
lays down his cards, and says "four of a kind." Smiling broadly,
Loco lays down his cards: a straight flush. As Tex looks down
at the cards with horror, Loco says: "Okay Tex,time to pay up."
Tex walks
slowly over to the spittoon and reluctantly picks it up. He
gazes down into the thick, brown, disgusting liquid. He takes
a deep breath, puts his lips to it -- and begins drinking.
To the amazement
of everyone in the saloon, he doesn't stop at one sip. He gulps,
and gulps, and gulps for a full minute, until the spittoon is
totally drained! There is an outcry throughout the saloon. Strong
men are passing out around Tex from shock and disgust. A stunned
silence settles in. Finally, one of the patrons speaks out:
"Jesus, Tex -- you only had to take one sip -- why did you drink
the whole thing?" Replies Tex: "It was all one strand!"
A guy goes
into a whorehouse and says: "What have you got for ten bucks?"
"Go upstairs
to the attic," says the Madam, "there's a girl up there for
you."
The man
goes up to the attic. He can barely see a girl lying there in
the darkness. He climbs on top of her and starts fucking. Then,
to his disgust, he notices some kind of slimy gunk coming out
of her mouth and nose.
The man
runs downstairs and says: "I want my money back! That girl is
sick or something! She's got something coming out of her nose
and her mouth!"
"Oh, sir,
I'm so sorry! Here's your money back," says the madam, handing
the man his ten bucks. After he leaves, she calls over her assistant.
"Listen," she says. "You'd better go to the morgue and steal
another stiff. The one in the attic is full."
|
Cum for Cover
Hot European girls with tons of makeup suck 4-5 cocks and then get their faces glazed with multiple cumshots. The hottest scenes are when one girl licks the cum off another's face . . .
Hottest Euro-Girls Splooged |
While on a Far East "sex tour," a businessman parties with some
really skanky Thai hookers. Upon his return, he's horrified
to discover his penis is black and green and oozing pus. He
goes to his family doctor who takes one look and says: "I'm
sorry, your penis will have to be amputated." Wanting a second
opinion, the businessman goes to a specialist in venereal diseases
who takes one look, gasps in disgust, and says "I'm sorry, your
penis will have to be amputated."
Desperate, the man goes to a Chinese herbalist and says: "please
help me. The doctors are telling me I have to have my penis
amputated!"
The wise old Chinese examines the man, clucks his tongue, and
says: "Those Western doctor -- they only interested in money!
You no need amputation!"
Immensely relieved, the man says: "I don't?"
"No! You wait ten day, dick fall off all by itself!"
One day
a woman who was born with no arms and no legs is wheeled out
to the beach. While she's lying on her beach towel she notices
an oil lamp that has been half buried in the sand beside her.
She wriggles over to it and manages to rub her cheek on the
lamp. A genie appears and he says "I am the genie of the lamp,
you have released me and I grant you one wish."
The woman thinks about what she is going to wish for and she
replies "I have no arms and no legs. I've never been fucked
before, and I wish to get fucked!"
So the genie picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean
and says "Now you're fucked!"
A
little girl is out with her mother in the park when they
see two teenagers having sex on a bench.
"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"Uh, making cakes dear" says the mother.
They proceed to go to the zoo, where sure enough they see
two monkeys having sex.
"What are they doing?" asks the girl.
"They're making cakes, too."
The next day, the girl says: "Mommy, were you and Daddy
making cakes in the den last night?
Shocked, the mother asks: "How did you know?"
"I licked the icing off the sofa."
|
EXTREME BUKKAKE
Unlimited downloads of videos by the infamous John Thompson. Really cute and young European girls take load after load to the face, swallow huge quantities of cum and swap sticky semen.
Euro-girls totally splooged |
"You'll never believe what happened to me!" said Andy to Fred.
"What?"
"This weekend, I went out hunting, and I came across a girl
tied to the railroad tracks! She had the most beautiful body
I ever saw! I untied her and I fucked her for hours! It was
great!"
"So, did she suck a good dick?"
"Well, that's the only thing. I looked and looked, but I never
did find her head."
This guy's
late in paying his rent, so his elderly landlady comes to visit.
"Do you have your rent for me?" she asks.
"Uh, sorry, no. I'm out of work. If you want me to move out
I understand."
The old lady says, "Well, I haven't been with a man since my
husband died 20 years ago. If you'd have sex with me, I could
forget about the rent this month."
The man looks the old bat over and, although horrified at the
prospect of having sex with this wrinkled old prune, decides
its better than being homeless. "OK."
So the two start going at it and he begins sucking on her saggy,
wrinkled titty and a hot liquid squirts into his mouth.
"Hey," he says, "aren't you too old to be producing milk?"
"Yes, but I'm not too old to have cancer."
|
|
